I feel lost, all I see is darkness. Destruction. Lives ruined. An environment dying. The world I once knew is lost. People, lost in all the wrong things. And in themselves. Superficially, as they clutch onto their masks ever so tightly.
‘What is the point?’ I ask myself. ‘Why do I continue to put myself through this?’ The dreams I had to change the world seem to have evaporated—like the dying oceans and the melting ice-caps of the arctic—disappearing from my view.
‘How naïve,’ I tell myself, ‘to think I could really make a positive dent in this mess.’
My head continues to tell me that I’m powerless, that I should settle for what is and to give up hope because there is none to be found. My vision focuses on the pills by my side. ‘There is no life!’ . It all feels over, I’m only keeping myself on life support. ‘And for what?’ I ask myself continuously. I begin to slip more, and the world only grows darker. I have given up—on everything, on myself. I’m fading.
But as I lay down, two of my cats jump on the bed. ‘How incredible’ I think, ‘to live in the moment and not worry about what tomorrow may bring.’ As I watched these two tiny beings jump around on my bed, I feel something I had almost forgotten: Love. Tears begin to roll down on my face as I observe their affection. It’s unquestioned, unconditional.
Nothing is wrong. Everything is right. I am alive. What I feel inside, lives. The crushing pain exists but so does this light inside of me that refuses to go out. All it takes is a reminder to help me remember, that it is still here. She wants to radiate. The rest does not matter. Come what may.
Suddenly, I hear a voice. ‘You’re a little particle of me, keeping everything in balance’ the Universe spoke. ‘Why would you be here if there was no reason for you to exist?’
I am stumped. This is the voice of my heart. But this other thing in my head—the despair—tries to intervene, it tells me my existence is futile, nothing good will come out of this. ‘Now, now’ the Universe speaks again, ‘Don’t you see? You matter. Through you, I have a vessel to express the infinite love that exists in the cosmos. Through you, I expand in the physical. Through you, I evolve.’
‘I need more love in my life,’ I say. ‘I can’t do this on my own. I can’t love any more than I already do’ I cry out.
I hear a laugh.
‘But how can I give you that which you already are? Be love! And ask yourself, what would Love do?’
‘What would love do?’ I repeat the question to myself. ‘What could love do?’
‘Follow me’ the voice says, ‘and I’ll show you.’
I think of my cats. Their sheer presence radiated love. It infected me.
‘Love’ I whispered to myself, ‘It just needs to exist. To be
present. And Love will do what it is meant to.’
I feel the light within grow bigger by the minute.
I feel love in the air I breathe.
I feel hope, for something I cannot see or touch but is very much real, alive inside of me.
I stand up, I grab the pills and drain them in the toilet.
I sip water.
The Sun rays begin to peek through my window. Sunshine.
‘There is still life here,’ I realize, ‘Love is life.’